Newbie
oh lord, I am doing this because I figured I needed to start keeping track of myself as well as allowing others to actually keep track of me!This is a beta thing for me because I am horrible about actually maintaining anything other than Lloyd, Mollie, Torrie and keeping the refrigerator full.
We'll see how this goes.
You will be bored to tears by the time I finish this sentence.
Basically this will be a blog about my daily insanity and also to keep those that are at a dangerous distance in the loop because - honestly - I suck and you already know it. Otherwise you wouldn't send me welfare emails to make sure I am alive or that I haven't forgotten about you.
So, today - I guess I can start.
I got out of bed. Hey, this is an accomplishment that merits praise. WHY? Because I had two pina coladas last night and they conked me on the noggin before I even got to bed. That is truly shameful. One of these days I will learn not to drink stuff that has a 'Mr. Yuck' sticker on it. Still after all those low budget commercials and toxic threats, I am still not taking it seriously.
I'm awake and moving. Wonderful, bring on my day full of cranky AR's and AP's.
Intermission for lingo:
AR - Custodial Parent - to whom I came up with a new word for today: Angry Beaver. (Based upon sex mind you, if you called a guy an angry beaver he may wonder if you are questioning his sexuality, and hey - if he has a kid, I think you pretty much missed the bullseye on that one.)
AP - Absent Parent - also known as obligor, asshole, non custodial parent, sperm donor, lazy son of a bitch, cheater, liar; among other things that I am sure I shouldn't have forgotten after three years of this crap.
hurry up, grab your rasinettes and catch up will ya.
So off to work I go. At least I didn't trip in the street or snag myself in the elevator today.
So I am at my desk in my daily coma called a routine, emailing back and forth with Barb in the Fargo office about all things that have to do with work for a change - which is odd, usually that only happens in the first draft. I was low on coffee and lower in my chair. If there wasn't fear of electricution I believe I may have left a drool puddle around the base of my chair from lack of ambition to close my mouth.
So I drag myself to the coffee pot as it casts is lovely morning glow. Could have drank it out of a swirly straw if the crap wasn't boiling but nevertheless I hooked up my IV and went to town.
Now of course it's summer which means everyone has to go on vacation. Well, nearly everyone. Us losers that get stuck behind have to pick up the yard art that everyone else leaves behind even tho there may be an ordinance that states "pick up after your pet".
Therefore a team of eight becomes a scrum of four and one is not feeling well. This doesn't bode well on the effect the day will have as it prances on.
Managing to squish an elephant into a tuna can, I fumbled my way thru the morning rather unscathed. How refreshing for Hump Day. May I do it again? Well certainly! We have a whole nother four hours of freaks for you!
The afternoon was tolerable till I mentioned the fact that I felt "caught up". There is a unspoken rule: you do not mention this to ANYONE. THEY WILL BETRAY YOU.
The wrath of Khan came about 1:35 pm. Her name is Spring but she's not made of dew and isn't soft like a petals on a daisy. More like a female truck driver enjoying a can of skoal.
So after five minutes (a record) of attempting to settle this side show down, I get to hear how we are taking all her Social Security. Woman, you are younger than I am and just because you felt the need to send in a bomb threat to St. A's then throw your old man out of the moving car on the 405 in LA doesn't make me feel too awfully bad for you. Just listen to me, say yes, and hang up the phone. Don't call back for at least six months.
So after leaving a message for Mr. Liar and dealing with Spousal Support Man, I was about ready to jump out my three story window for a nice day of sunbathing on the awning on the Provident Building but alas, the windows are double paned.
I managed to make it out almost unscathed till the Administrator brought me a slop bucket of fun because apparently I am either blind or illertate. I messed up on reading an order as apparently "per child" looks an awful lot like "per family". Oops. Just another way to rub a bit of salt in my ripped flesh from earlier in the afternoon.
So I will deal with that bullsnot tomorrow. Stay tuned to your weather radio. NOAA is predicting hail.
Finally incarceration is complete for the day and I hop in the RAV and toot my way home. Rona is at the mail box (my stunning neighbor and also a co-worker from the State Child Support Office) and I think I should stop and chat with her for a few minutes...but there is something that I forgot...what the hell is it?
MOLLIE & TORRIE AT THE DAMN GROOMER.
I set this up on Monday, remembered at lunch that Lloyd and I had to come home and get them. Told Lloyd I would pick them up and now it is 5:20 and I am sitting in my damn driveway attempting to figure out how I am going to get to Pet Place in like zero minutes.
So I took the beaten path. Calgary Avenue that is more like a BMX track.
Of course this also is a red flag for every slow bastard in Bismarck to be heading to the south side at a crawl.
There were word that have no meaning in english but meant something somewhere, maybe in a different solar system because they had to hear me. Jesus himself was annoyed.
So after traveling at a top speed of 22 mph I fall into Pet Place and the ladies are drinking beer as they are waiting for me. If I had any balls and a cast iron stomach I would have asked to have one for the road, but instead I paid my $56 to beautify my sexy butts and clicked my pointy heels home.
On the way I reminded myself that I negelected my brother yet again thus called him upon my arrival home. I am going to be an Auntie tomorrow so I needed to know how everything was going and also take care of my own selfish needs, snatch info on Lance's timeshare in Orlando.
Me? Shallow? And Cheap? HELL YES.
So I found out that I was almost an Auntie today so that made me have a surreal moment. I am going to be an Aunt. Not a mother, an Aunt. Okay, so what is my role Jaboroni? Can I feed this child bullcrap and sugar and get away with it? Poor Parker isn't even here yet and I am planning his demise. Welcome to the Barnick's my sweet child. We haven't seen children in so long we forgot what they taste like.
So really now, how do I feel? Good. I am happy for Lance and Veronica. I am happy for my parents, as maybe now we don't have to sucker them to come to Bismarck and Dad doesn't have to strap a spa tub on top of his beloved suburban. He should thank those kids come to think of it.
As soon as Parker Riley is born I will try to scab the pic from MedCenter and get it up for you to see. Yes, I know, another baby. Stop rolling your eyes. It may be puffy and pink and may not be cute at first but smile and like it and lie to all of us. Humoring can get you things, another lesson for the day you should recite before you brush your teeth tonight.
So now I sit and wait for Lloyd to get beautified and then I am going to stuff a steak down his gullet. Hopefully it will be better than the one I just ate as it was like eating the shoe I was wearing all day. That is disappointing because I like those shoes!
So there you have it...June 27, 2007 from some ungodly hour till 7:29pm. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
hee.
posted by Deb @ 6:49 PM
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